The Nick Abbot Habit

00:02 This is a global production. Oh, it's a good one for you this time. In these clips, it was just a month before Vlad the Insaner launched his special operation. Mr. Blobby was being himself. And I correctly predicted our next two prime ministers. 00:21 War in Ukraine is inevitable with a Russian invasion just days away. This came after President Vlad the Insaner amassed tens of thousands of troops on the border with intelligence sources suggesting he may launch a disguised attack on his own forces to justify going into Ukraine. Which lucky Russian soldiers is it going to be? 00:43 Tobias Elwood, Tory chairman of the Commons Defence Committee, said, I'm afraid an invasion by Russian forces is inevitable and imminent, and we have allowed this to happen. 00:52 We had the opportunity to place sufficient military hardware and personnel in Ukraine to make President Putin think twice about invading, but we failed to do so because we were drunk at the time. 01:03 I added that last bit on at the end. 01:06 Still, on the upside, a little light war will certainly take the eye off Bodge and his incredible exploding premiership. 01:14 The US and the UK have dismissed Russian demands for a veto on former Soviet republics joining NATO and rebuffed calls for the removal of Western troops from Eastern Europe. They said, No, no, no, no, no. And Vlad's upset. 01:30 Russian Defence Ministry footage released showed armoured vehicles yesterday and other military hardware being loaded onto trains in what Moscow called an inspection drill. Oh, it's just an inspection, purely routine. 01:43 Vladimir Putin said there's nothing to worry about. A US official said, We have information that indicates Russia has already pre-positioned a group of operatives to conduct a false flag operation in eastern Ukraine. That is a disguised act with the intention of blaming another party. 02:05 But the Russians won't be able to know for certain who is to blame before Sue Gray presents her findings to the inquiry. 02:14 top US diplomat Michael Carpenter warned, the drumbeat of war is sounding as loud as the techno in the basement of number 10. 02:22 Turn that racket down. 02:24 0345 6060 973. You can text 84850, email nicka at lbc.co.uk. If you're on Twitter, it's at LBC. By the way, we stick these shows up the internet as podcasts. We take the news and the ads out, which means it takes less time to listen to. You'll use less electricity and won't have to sell your children to pay your fuel bill. 02:47 Ask for them by name on an internet near you, Nick Abbott, the whole show. Windsor. Hello, Christine. 02:54 I just want to say that Bodger Big Dog Johnson has to go because he's lied in Parliament and his government has undermined democracy by lying themselves. For example, what's his name? 03:16 Smug. 03:16 Smug. 03:18 He actually wanted to tear up the book off the standards, didn't he? just to push something through for their own benefit rather than the benefit of the country. 03:29 And secondly, he even lied to the Queen. What sort of a government are they? And Pradeep itself continues without it, and nobody seems to say anything. 03:38 What sort of a government are they? Who are these people exactly? How did they get to such positions of power? It's the good people of whoever voted them in, voted them in, is how it happened. 03:50 All they say is, Brexit's done. Brexit hasn't been done. It's affected our economy so badly that these people are going to wake up and realise, oh, well, it was Brexit, but not anymore. We want to go back. 04:02 And they still haven't finished negotiating it. The Brains Trust is the latest one to have a bash. 04:09 I know. I'll go to the foot of our stairs, Christine, except I've been there already. I've worn the carpet right through to the floorboards. 04:15 Cheers, my dear. 0345 6060 973. 04:20 B text, just chatted with close friends in Germany for over an hour. Boris Johnson and his sycophantic, incompetent government are providing the utmost entertainment over there. 04:31 Well, if you're wondering, what's he good for? 04:34 Amusement for foreigners. 04:37 Global Britain. Where is Britain on the world stage? Nowhere. Shocking, says B. B can't believe it. 04:44 Lisa texts, a caller on LBC this week suggested we boo for Boris every Thursday night on our doorsteps until he goes. I'm totally behind this. Let's make it happen, says Lisa. 04:59 Well, as good an idea as I've heard this year. Why not? 05:03 Broadstairs. Hello, Phil. 05:04 Hello there, Nick. I was just thinking this Downing Street policing model is rather challenging for those of us who are trying to sort of, you know, keep abreast of the police and criminal whatever it is bill coming in shortly after, because it seems to me it's the perfect place to run a large-scale drug deal or headquarter an organised crime syndicate, because they never look at anything, do they, when it's coming in? So presumably you could bring anything in. 05:28 Anything at all. 05:29 Contraband, anything you want. 05:31 And I'm just wondering... You know, is this really acceptable level of policing that they can only investigate one thing at a time, that they have to wait for a civil servant to tell them what to do, that the police outside sort of don't seem to monitor anything? I mean, who could get in there? I mean, apparently half of them weren't working there. Who could get in there under what thing and do what? I mean, you know, seriously, it strikes me that the security there is most bizarre. 05:55 Yes. 05:57 It doesn't look secure to me. 05:59 Can I just mention one last thing? 06:00 Maybe, actually. You always have to ask yourself the Bush question. 06:03 The what? The Bush question. The Bush question? Absolutely. If Bush designs, do you want Cheney? 06:09 Right. 06:09 So, if Johnson goes, do you want... Dot, dot, dot. It was what they used to say during the Iraq war time, you know. You complain about Bush, but do you want Cheney? 06:19 Do I want Cheney? Do I want the Brainstrust? Do I want Smug? Do I want Angular, Tetchy, Humanoid, Dominic, Deckchair, Rob? Let me think about that. 06:27 No, no, no, no, no. 06:30 No, it's a no, no, no, no, no from me. Thanks, Phil. It does... What? 06:35 Where's that coming from? 06:37 Oh, no, there's a phantom noise. Not this again. I'd like to go and seek it out. 06:43 Leave it with me. 06:46 It does occur to me that, you know, all that heavy security around Downing Street, they've got gates and they've got gates and more gates and they've got policemen armed up to the eyeballs with all sorts of machinery. Maybe they're not there to protect who's inside from us. Maybe they're there to protect us from who's inside. 07:06 Well, it's worth thinking about. What do you reckon, Bodge? He's thinking. 07:10 Dover? John? 07:13 Hello there. 07:13 Hello there. 07:17 Evening, Nick. Yes, John. 07:21 Vladimir Putin. Vlad the Insaner. Yes, whatever. 07:27 I'm not convinced, and I'm probably in a minority, that he is going to invade Ukraine. I think it's a dangerous game of brinkmanship. 07:37 Who is playing? 07:39 that he is playing with the West. 07:41 Oh, he is playing, right. 07:42 Yes. And, I mean, I don't think there's any... There's no interest on his part to invade Ukraine. 07:49 On Putin's part? Yes. How do you know? 07:52 Well, I don't. I'm just saying it's a personal opinion. If I'm sitting here in the morning and I haven't been nuked, I'm probably right. OK. 07:59 If that's the bar for success, if you get up in the morning and you haven't been nuked, then I think we're doing very, very well. WHISTLE BLOWS Thanks a lot, John. 08:10 0345 6060 973. 08:13 It certainly would take the mind off Bodger and his various travails, though, wouldn't it? 08:18 I bet he's yearning for it to happen. 08:22 Johnny emails, Jacob Rees-Mogg is an anti-establishment, man-of-the-people politician. He understands the struggles of ordinary folk, having worked his way up in the face of adversity. He is an honest and committed public servant who works tirelessly to make life better for all of us. We should be thanking him, says Johnny. 08:39 Good one, Johnny. 08:44 Regents Park, hello, Vance. 08:47 Hello, Nick. 08:48 Thank you, as ever, for keeping me sane. Nick, I think one of the problems is that Bodger and his criminal cabal have seized the narrative, and they're still trying to do that all the time. Operation Save Top Big Dog, isn't it? Yeah, I can't believe that. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think it's about time that we started to make the narrative, we the people. And I'm taking my cue from something you said last night. You mentioned that the government treats us taxpayers as fools. And you're right. 09:19 So I've got a question for you, Nick. And I know your listeners will be listening to this question. So it's a question for them. And it's simply this. 09:29 Why should we pay our taxes any more to keep a publicly renowned liar, hypocrite and cheat in number 10 Downing Street? Why should we pay our taxes any more? 09:45 Well, because those taxes get put in a big pot for the benefit of all. I mean, I know that they spend them on things that don't benefit us at all. But if we didn't pay, if nobody paid any taxes, then you can kiss goodbye to pretty much everything that we hold dear. 10:00 Yes, but we have no moral obligation to pay taxes to keep criminals in power, to keep a liar. 10:07 in power in 10 Downing Street. There is no moral obligation on we the people, on us the people, to pay any taxes so long as we have that sort of government who treats us as, well, not just fools, but as debris, as detritus. 10:25 I mean, that's how I feel. There may be no moral obligation, but I'm pretty sure that there's a legal obligation... 10:32 Well, well, it would be interesting to know what your listeners, you know, have to say about that. 10:39 I'm sure not one single one of them actually wants to pay any tax, me included. But, you know, we like the things that the tax that we pay gets us. It's just that we wish they spent more of it on the things that we want rather than the things that they want. 10:53 rather than their booze and their sort of, you know, expensive furniture and stuff like that. Right. Yep. Anyway, that's my contribution for tonight. 11:01 OK, excellent work. Thanks, Vance. 0345 6060 973. Pauline says, I asked my local Tory MP if he thought Bodger was the right person to run the country. He told me I was watching too much telly while he was getting on with what the people wanted. What? God, I would have been really annoyed. 11:22 I did think about writing to my MP today, but then I thought, oh, what's the point? 11:27 He's just another one of these nodding dogs. 11:30 Not the big dog. 11:31 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. 11:32 Not that kind of dog. Just a nodding dog. You know, like those things you used to see in the back shelf of cars. 11:39 Yes, Boris. Yes, Boris. Yes, Boris. Like one of those people. 11:43 Like an automaton. Affirmative. Just wind him up and watch him go. So I thought, what's the point? 11:51 It'll only get me on some sort of list. 11:57 Fortunately, I'm keeping a low profile. I hope that no one's listening to this. 12:03 Dinesh emails, what is even more surprising to me is... No, I'll start that again. What is even more surprising to me more than the parties at Downing Street is that why has it taken so long? 12:14 Nearly two years now for these stories to come out. You would have thought that with so many parties and with so many people invited, someone would have come clean. Even now, no one is saying who were involved and who attended. That's a good point, Dinesh. 12:27 Blooming ages this took to come out. 12:32 Huh. 12:38 Funny, hard to get past that Pauline email. I asked my local Tory MP if he thought Bodger was the right person to run the country. He told me I was watching too much telly. 12:50 Kevin tweets, is it true the Conservative Party are rebranding as the Conservative Work Event? 12:58 You know, when a regime that relies on power and the authority of the law... 13:07 to maintain its hold over when they start to become a laughing stock and I think that's it, game over it might just be game over but like people have been saying we should be careful for what we wish for because we might be being run by Prime Minister Liz Truss or billionaire cashmere hoodie model And professional mirror-gazer, Fishy Sunak. 13:44 Spends all day long going, look at that reflection, aren't I just a dream? 13:54 Vince text, I thought it was just me, but I'm completely with you on that Fishy Sunak. 13:59 I don't trust him at all, says Vince. His nodding head, like those toys once used in the back of cars when sat behind his feffleness at PMQs, is truly vomit-inducing. Nobody can be that servile without a cunning plan. 14:14 He's got a little scheme. 14:18 Let's have Lewisham. Hello, Hannah. 14:22 Yes, hello. Hello, Hannah. 14:24 Hi. Look, I always thought he was an ugly mutt. Who? Him, Boris. Oh, yes. 14:34 Yeah, it's incredible he's had the crashness to call it Operation Save Big... Save Big Dog. Yeah, I mean, do you think... I know everything is incredibly unbelievable, but... 14:51 in reality, where Boris is concerned, it's possible, and it's definitely happened. Do you really believe it, or is it a media thing? 15:02 What, he's calling himself the big dog? 15:05 Yeah, save big dog. 15:06 Yeah, I do believe that. 15:08 Yeah, it just points to him thinking that he's still back in the culture, you know, smothered in the culture of Eton. Yeah. 15:18 But the other thing is... And, by the way, smothered in the love of the people. He still imagines himself in that role. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he can't quite get his head around people being angry with him, I bet, because he's always, always, always been able to get away with it just by going, you know, ruffling his hair and untucking his shirt and presenting himself like somebody who needs to be mothered and cared for. And people go, oh, he's doing his best. 15:45 Yeah, I just think it's very psychopathic. But how is it possible to lose weight yet still appear as podgy as ever? I don't know. Well, I think I do. I think it's that over-large head of his. I think it's his suits. 16:08 I think it's his suits. He deliberately distresses his suits. To make them look cheap, I'm sure they're not cheap. I'm sure he gets them made in Savile Row. I'm sure they're north of £3,000. It's just that, like anybody of his ilk, he likes to wear expensive things but make it look terrible. as though he's so entitled that he can just treat that expensive kit like rubbish. Other people will come and pick it up off the floor, as opposed to people who can't quite afford that kind of thing, that if they do buy themselves a nice bit of clothing, they'll be sure to put it on a hanger immediately and in a moth-proof bag and all of the rest of it. 16:48 But him and his... They'll just leave it on the street outside as they undress before walking into the house. 16:56 Yeah, well, the Aristos are well known to have holes in their, you know, pink cardigans or whatever they wear. To who? Aristocrats, you know. Oh, hello. 17:08 Look, for a long, long time, I've been thinking to myself, who does he remind me of? And he reminds me of the ending of... You've got Fitzgerald's great Gatsby, which brings in your money, money aspects that you've just been talking about now. 17:27 You know, the vacuous Daisy and her husband, Tom. 17:33 I'm just going to paraphrase it here. But it's a beautiful ending to the novel. 17:39 Oh, no, you're not going to tell us the end. 17:41 Don't tell us. No, no, it's not the ending. But the ending, you know, it says Daisy and Tom are careless people smashing up things and creatures and retreating back into their money or their vast carelessness. and let other people clean up the mess. 18:06 That sounds about right. Spot blooming on there, Hannah. 18:12 Good work. I've been thinking that for a long, long time. I thought to myself, he's just the epitome of Daisy and Tom in The Great Gatsby. 18:25 You know. 18:26 I get it. All right. 18:27 Combined. 18:29 Well spotted. F. Scott Fitzhanna. Good work. 0345 6060 973. 18:37 I'll wait till the video comes out. Oh, they've made one? Chris texts. My top three Liz Trust moments? Glad you asked. 18:46 Quotes. I'll be in Beijing opening new pork markets. Oh, that was funny. If you haven't seen that, you've got to look at that up on the World Wide Waits. 18:55 She's so thrilled with herself and she just throws these lines out waiting for a laugh or a round of applause, which never comes. 19:04 And the look of panic on her face. 19:06 It's just a marvellous thing. Here's another quote. We import two thirds of our cheese. That is a disgrace, she said. 19:16 These are quotes from Chris. And finally, when she stood in the comments and said prison officers were deploying barking dogs to scare off drones, bringing in contraband. 19:27 God help us, says Chris. 19:29 Well, I think if he or she, sexist, was going to do that, then they would have done so by now. I think we're on our own. 19:38 Quaker's Yard. Hello, Darren. 19:40 Hello, I thought that Priti's family, kind of like from Idi Amin's country, was already here in Leicester and up north. 19:48 Huh? 19:50 Priti Patel, Idi Patel. 19:53 And kind of like, what's the other one called now? Kind of like the businessman. What's his name? Kind of like a... Oh, you're going to have to nail it down. I think he's called, isn't he? 20:05 Maybe he should run the country. 20:08 Papadoc, yeah, OK, I'll get him on the phone. Get Papadoc on the phone straight away. 20:13 Have some business for him. 20:15 I have no idea what that was about, and I'm sure I... 20:19 I'm begging you not to explain it to me. 20:22 But thanks a lot, Darren. Sounded like a listener with material. 20:28 Richard tweets, Downing Street nut of chaos and the national insurance increases and energy price hikes yet to come. How can anyone vote Tory again? 20:36 Yeah, but, you know, what about chaos with Jeremy Corbyn? 20:42 Speaking of electricity, have you heard the good news? 20:45 As millions prepare for their fuel bills to double this year... 20:50 MPs will be left out of pocket just like the rest of us. 20:55 I'm kidding. Of course they won't because we will be paying their bills. 21:01 MPs who represent seats outside London can claim back the cost of their electricity and gas on expenses. 316 MPs put in utilities claims last year. That's about half of them. 21:15 Because earning only £82,000 a year with a quarter of a million pounds in expenses is apparently not enough to cover their own blooming fuel bills. 21:23 Oh, fabulous. 21:25 These figures were published by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority. 21:30 Which is a laugh in and of itself. How can you police standards in a place where there aren't any? 21:36 Ain't that right, Bodge? I can't comment on that. 21:40 Claims for utilities totaled £234,000 a year. 21:47 Paid for by those poor dopes who can barely afford to pay our own fuel bills, let alone theirs as well. 21:54 MPs are allowed to recoup thousands a year for council tax and phone lines and broadband and heating and water and travel and staff. Staff is the biggie. 22:06 Some MPs shell out £180,000 a year for staff, who, in a lot of cases, also happen to be their own wives, or husbands, or sons, or daughters, or lovers, or various assorted hot totty. Disgusting. The largest individual utilities bill was submitted by a Tory MP, Danny Kruger. He claimed £3,598 in one year for electricity. What? ! 22:34 £3,598 for electricity? Or is he powering the heating for the local swimming pool? 22:41 How can you spend £3,598 on electricity? 22:47 Here, Danny Kruger, have you left a light on? Um... You remember former Health Secretary Matt Hancock, don't you? Boo! Yes, that's him. 22:57 He claimed £2,588 last year for heating oil at the Suffolk home where he lived with his wife and their three children before he decided to get warm somewhere else. 23:10 Virginia Crosby, a former banker who is now a Tory MP, claimed £2,634 last year. Tory grandee Sir Edward Lee... 23:25 claimed £2,332 last year. 23:29 Tory MP Mel Stride claimed £2,347. 23:35 Attorney General Sweller Braverman claimed £2,018 last year. 23:42 Guess how many of the top ten claimants are from the Conservative Party? Go on. 23:50 We could play a game. 23:52 Isn't it exciting? No. 23:54 Guess how many of the top 10 claimants are from the Conservative Party? Now, keep in mind that there's 650 MPs, 55% of which are Tories. So you'd think that, on average, about 55% of the top 10 claimants would be Tories. Yes? 24:09 Negative. 24:10 No, of course not. Don't be silly. 24:13 80% of the top claimants are Conservative MPs. 24:19 MPs who claim costs for their own homes can claim up to £5,480 a year for utility bills and council tax and service charges and phone lines and internet and all of that. 24:33 And those who rent in London have an annual budget of £23,290 which includes utilities and rent and outside the capital it's £16,000 odd. 24:45 For them, not for you. 24:47 I mean, if you had to move for your job or you needed somewhere to stay because you finished too late to get back home, you would sleep in your car or pay your own way. 24:55 But not our esteemed representatives. They don't have to pay for a thing because they're worth it. 25:02 What a way to run a country, eh? Dreadful. Andrew Tech's been listening to the MSM all day. Oh, no. Anybody that says mainstream media. 25:14 just to smile politely and back slowly out of the room. 25:18 Don't make any sudden moves. 25:21 He says, been listening to the MSM all day and it seemed that nearly everyone wants Boris gone, but just been reading the comments on social media and I'm yet to find a real person that wants to see him gone. Maybe the majority of the people don't actually care about Boris's parties. 25:37 Andrew, you're looking at this through the wrong end of the telescope. 25:42 Of course you found people that agree with you on social media. That's because you follow people on social media that agree with you. 25:56 Muswell Hill. Hello, Michael. 25:58 Oh, hi, Nick. How are you? Michael. Good, thanks. 26:01 Good. Nick, I'm feeling a bit chuffed with myself, which is probably a terrible thing to admit when you're ringing up... 26:07 Nick, because you're probably going to take me down a couple of steps. But a couple of years ago, I rang you up and I said the real model that Boris Johnson had based himself on was not Winston Churchill, but it was a great big sheepdog. And I think you then referred to the Julex, I'd say. 26:24 Oh, well, that's where my mind just went just now, yeah. 26:27 Exactly. You know, a big shaggy doll who bumps into things, but he's very lovable and he's forgivable. And I'm just really, I don't know, but have you heard that he, Number 10, now have a campaign to save the big dog? 26:42 Yeah. 26:42 And the big... The big dog is the term that Boris Johnson has given himself. 26:48 Himself, yeah. 26:50 You really couldn't make it up, could you? 26:52 No. And I think at this point it would probably be better if this country was being run by the Dulux dog. Get Dulux on the phone. We'll see if we can borrow their prop. 27:02 I think it probably causes less damage. But apart from that, I don't know if you've read, if you listen to your Daily Mail presenter that we have at LBC at the moment, Andrew Pearson. I mean, a bit of an identity crisis at the moment, because even he can't stop himself criticizing the Brexiteer Boris Johnson. But he managed to find some lord. 27:26 This morning, I think it was Lord Moynihan, who seems to be a stereotypical grandee, rather like your character, you know, the what? Lord. And according to Lord Moynihan, you know, we really, really should not be criticizing Boris for this outrageous behavior. This outrageous behavior, and I kid you not, according to this Lord, is the result of Dominic Cummings wearing jeans to work. 27:58 Well, that makes as much sense as anything else I've heard over the past two years. 28:02 Well, as the Lord himself said, he said, you know, Boris, he's always in a suit and a shirt and tie. Well, occasionally, I've seen him without a tie. But, you know, really, he's always dressed appropriately. Whereas Dominic Cummings, you know, he turns the twerk in jeans and a T-shirt. Socking. 28:25 The dreadful behaviour at number 10 is nothing got to do with the fact that our PM is a congenital liar who thinks rules apply to everybody else. It's actually all down to Dominic Cummings turning up for work in a jean. 28:41 Yeah, looking like a tramp. Exactly. 28:44 So it's no wonder there's no respect for the Queen. 28:48 I mean, you really could not make this stuff up. And he's a lord. So either, either, Nick, he's really, really stupid, or he thinks we're really, really stupid, or maybe it's the case of both. But it's... 29:09 It all happened today on LBC Radio. 29:10 Well, I can't make a decision as to whether he's stupid or whether we're stupid until Sue Gray's investigation has delivered its findings. But thanks for that, Michael. Cheers, mate. 0345 6060 973. Oh, God, there was a couple of characters that came out this week. I just had to laugh out loud. 29:29 Here's one of them. Answering an urgent question tabled by the Labour Party about the parties. 29:36 Paymaster General Michael Ellis told MPs he has confidence in Mr Johnson's integrity and honour. 29:46 Which only makes the nation concerned about the judgement of Paymaster General Michael Ellis. I mean, do that lot really think they can just brush all this off by telling us not to question them? 29:56 The Prime Minister has made it very clear that... And then insert some old waffle here. 30:03 They all come out with that phrase. He has made it very clear that... 30:07 Yeah, he has. It doesn't mean it's true. I mean, are they really so steeped in the aura of their own superiority that they imagine if they stand in front of a burning fireworks factory and tell us there's nothing to see here, that we'll all stop looking and just go home? 30:28 You know, and I did think that I bet Paymaster General Michael Ellis went to Eton. So I checked it and he didn't. He went to Wellingborough School, an independent school in the market town of Wellingborough in Northamptonshire, established in 1597. 30:46 and is one of the oldest schools in the country, charges about £17,000 a year for the privilege of sending your kid there, so it's Eton adjacent then. Oh, fabulous. Prime Minister Bodge and his wife Carrie Antoinette are understood to have been among 40 people in attendance at the event in Downing Street Garden on the 20th of May, when outdoor gatherings were banned in England. 31:07 Just one of the many knees-ups that seem to be the way that business is done in Number 10. 31:13 It would probably have saved us a lot of money if they'd just moved the whole of Downing Street into Stringfellows. 31:19 Facing relentless heckles and laughter from opposition benches in the Commons, Paymaster General Michael Ellis, who was elected as an MP by the good people of Northampton North, said the PM takes this matter very seriously. 31:38 Laughing at him. 31:41 And he repeated that line about an investigation is taking place and senior civil servant Sue Gray and the Independent and Thorough and they can't say more about the investigation until it reports and blah, blah, blah. 31:53 Paymaster General Michael Ellis told the Commons it's clear that in this country the same rules apply to everyone. What? No. 32:01 It's not clear. It's the opposite of clear. 32:10 It's clear that in this country the same rules do not apply to everyone. And anyone who tries to suggest otherwise really has not been paying attention. 32:22 He said the Prime Minister is going nowhere. He retains the confidence of the people of this country. 32:28 No, this guy needs a lie down. Are you kidding me? 32:34 I mean, they're still at the point that they think that if they tell us that up is down and black is white and that there's nothing to see here, that we'll believe them. 32:41 I mean, we may be mugs, but we're not that stupid. 32:45 And as for Bodger not going anywhere, well, that's true. 32:49 He's holed up, hiding from us after an unnamed family member tested positive for Covid. You know, as though that's stopped him in the past. Which family member is it, Bodge? Is it one that doesn't exist? 33:04 Just asking. 33:07 And here's the proof of how we think about the regime that's got the smell of a dead fox about it. A YouGov poll. That is YouGov owned by number cruncher Zaphod. And one, two, three, eleven... 33:24 A poll carried out by YouGov this week showed 56% of respondents believe the PM should resign from his role over the allegations. And Labour are on 38% and the Conservatives are on 28%. Wow. 33:36 The Greenies are on 7%. Groovy. The Groovy Greenies on 7%. They've come on a lot. 33:42 Who would make the best Prime Minister? Keir Starmer, 35%. Bodger Johnson, 22%. There's more. 33:51 How well or badly do you think the government are doing handling Britain's exit from the European Union? Well, 28%. Badly, 60%. 34:04 60% of people who expressed a preference think the government is handling our exit from the European Union badly. How's it going? Brexit's going great. In hindsight, do you think that Britain was right or wrong to vote to lead the European Union? Wrong, 50%. Right, 38%. 34:21 But, you know, apart from all that, how's he going? Yeah, he's all revved up and ready to go. But he doesn't want to go out because people are being mean to him, so he's staying in. He's got a note. 34:37 Chelsea texts, I'm aged 28, 28 years old. 34:41 I don't appreciate being called a stupid youngster, says Chelsea. Not all young people fail to have a political opinion. Shoeboxing us all as stupid won't encourage us to vote. Rude, says Chelsea. 34:54 Chelsea. 34:56 bend your vast mind to this I'm not when I was talking yesterday this text coming from yesterday I'm still getting through yesterday's text I hope that there's no text in from today because otherwise I'm screwed I'll have to stay afterwards yeah I was saying that younger people are stupid because they don't go out to vote as much as older people do 100% of everybody over the age of 60 goes out to vote Absolutely nothing will stop them. 35:26 Tsunami waves coming in the opposite direction will not stop them. They'll put on their flippers to get to the voting booth, if necessary. 35:34 But younger people are all like, No, I don't want to. I can't be bothered. I'll go tomorrow. I'm busy. 35:42 Tricking my emails and my Twitter feed. 35:45 You know, all that. 35:47 I'm not saying all of them, Chelsea. Of course I'm not. 35:52 You vastly intelligent person, you. 35:56 Rob text. Just check the Health and Safety at Work Act. You can't drink alcohol at work if you're working with tools. 36:07 Good one, Rob. 36:09 This is absolute tosh. Thanks, Nige. You're the best. So these are the last two texts from last night. And I just looked ahead to see how many I've got to get through from today. Oh, no. It's ridiculous. 36:24 I'll never do it. 36:26 How do these people get my number? 36:29 Jantex, genuine question. What do all these people do in Downing Street when they're not eating and drinking? I don't think there's a moment in the day when they're not eating and drinking, apart from sleeping it off. 36:41 And this text says, I think that they have been buying the booze for the Downing Street parties with the lockdown fines. That sounds about right. Doesn't it? That sounds about right. I mean, where is it going otherwise? Exactly who gets that money? What do they do with it? 36:57 Pop straight over to Tesco Metro with a suitcase on wheels. 37:02 Woolwich. Hello, Richard. 37:05 From Woolwich. 37:06 Hello. 37:06 Richard. 37:07 Hi. Um... 37:09 Thanks for taking my call. 37:12 I treat these sessions like therapy sessions because my family are very big Johnson fans. So I go insane while I'm chatting with them. So tuning into your program is just like, for me, a sanity session. 37:30 Well, the doctor is in. That's good. 37:34 I must try your Carol sessions as well, you and Carol. I need to tap into those. 37:41 Oh, right, yeah. 37:43 Yes, they're a hoot and a half. We are putting our hundredth episode on the internet on Monday. We've done a hundred of them. I can't believe it. That's a hundred hours of us just pulling material out of our ears. 37:57 Not our rears, our ears. 38:01 And we've put what our favourite clips are from those 100 episodes at the end. 38:08 And some of them are absolutely hysterical. 38:12 So that's coming out on Monday. It's called What's Your Problem with Nick and Carol? You can get all my podcasts on the Global Player, which is a very good app. It's got all the stations that we do and all the podcasts. Or just ask for it by name on an internet near you. What's Your Problem with Nick and Carol? But yeah, try it. You might like it. 38:33 Yeah, I've got loads of issues that I can come up with. They're all related to the Tories. 38:40 But, I mean, the producer asked me, and she quite pointedly, what do I want to say, what do I want to say? And I just struggle to put it into words, really. 38:51 You're just exasperated. 38:53 I am Mr. Exasperated, yeah. And it's Because I'm going through these kind of massive emotions. 39:00 I really am treating you like a therapist. I'm sorry. But, I mean, in business we have these models where we go through shock, anger, and we get to acceptance. There's loads of those kind of models out there. This one is a roller coaster. This one I just can't. I can't seem to get off it. I went through the shock. I went through the anger. And now I've gotten into this kind of incredulity phase, which I've never experienced in any dealings I've had in business. 39:36 And in this incredulity stage is, I mean, the guy's run off. 39:42 He's just disappeared under this kind of, I think, bogus assertion that he's nursing a covid victim in his family which is totally bizarre yeah i don't know whether he's saying that he's nursing a covid victim i think he's just saying he's coming to contact with one so therefore he can't come out right so that's ever stopped him in the past so yeah yeah i mean that sounds suspiciously like one of those fridge episodes um and and just this this whole thing about um Oh, God. 40:17 I mean, where to start? I mean, it's so the idea that they have these wine time Fridays and they had wheelie, wheelie cases to the local co-op. I know that co-op. It's in Trafalgar Square. Yeah. It's a good one. It's one where you can get your last minute booze because I think they open till 12th. 40:42 And the idea that they were sort of... Well, they opened 24 hours a day, but you can't buy booze there after hours, I know, because I've tried. 40:50 The idea that they're bombing up Whitehall and coming back with wheelie cases, and it... 41:01 It's no longer anger. That's what I'm saying. 41:03 Well, you know there's five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. So where are you on that scale? Yeah. Denial and anger and depression, but you haven't reached acceptance yet. 41:18 Yeah, but there's missing. I mean, she's missed one. I think she passed away recently, the person who came up with that theory. I mean, it's this kind of absolute... sense of incredulity, this kind of, I mean, I don't know if I'm just going back to the shot phase. Maybe that's it. But it's just, I'm just banging my head. I don't get it. And then that guy who turned up in Parliament, the Paymaster General, who sounded exactly like Reece Mogg. 41:48 I mean, I was listening to it on the radio. It confused me. 41:53 completely confused me. 41:55 I think the attitude is don't question us, peasant. 42:03 It's infuriating. 42:05 And they do that because up to this point, and I'm sure after this point, because this will blow over, something else will come along and distract us, something shiny, like a war. 42:16 But they've been getting away with it. We have accepted being treated as inferior, as underlings, as though they are in every way superior to us. We love it, actually. That's the British malaise, this sort of cap-doffing mentality that there are a whole cast of people that are superior from birth, born to rule. 42:40 yeah exactly exactly that that feeds fuels my anger as well because um but the other thing is then this complete sort of he's going to cull all the civil servants in his operation big slob or whatever it's called say fat labrador yeah yeah exactly so i mean so it again it's that idea of the gambler from the privileged class goes to the table yeah loses his shirt and then goes back and beats everyone around for it. 43:13 You know, I just think this is just this ongoing broken record. 43:20 That's a good scenario, except he didn't bet his shirt. He was betting with somebody else's money and lost their money and then blamed somebody else for him losing and et cetera. 43:31 And the final irony, Nick, we were told... that we can't get rid of our European masters, and therefore we should vote Brexit, and hey, isn't it interesting, we can't even get rid of our British masters. 43:47 Yes, and our next Prime Minister, assuming they jettison him, will not be voted for by us, be another unelected bureaucrat. 43:55 Alright, thanks a lot Richard. 43:58 Andrea texts, I think we should put one of those cones over his head. You know, so he doesn't lick his wounds. 44:27 Imogen says, maybe Bodger should build 40 new off-licenses instead of 40 new hospitals. These off-licenses could include airport-style baggage carousels for fast, easy booze purchasing. This would improve the nation's GDP because of the resulting increase in work meetings. 44:44 Well, that just makes sense. Good thinking there, Imogen. 44:49 And Nathan texts, outrage fatigue is setting in. 44:54 Yeah, I think you're right. 44:57 I think we're about ready for some more gaslighting. 45:00 Well, I have just the very thing. How about this? 45:07 Priceless. Same subject, different angle. 45:11 Boris Johnson and his ministers were accused this week of being careless about whether high standards of behaviour are maintained at the heart of government. 45:25 You've got to be kidding me. 45:28 That's what they're guilty of. 45:30 Carelessness about whether high standards of behaviour are maintained at the heart of government. 45:36 That's the extent of their guilt. They were careless. 45:41 Lord Evans of Weardale. Pah! 45:46 Chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life said that a slew of recent scandals, including the funding for the PM's Downing Street flat refurbishment, raised serious questions. 46:01 Raised serious questions? 46:05 I mean, what is the Committee on Standards in Public Life for? 46:10 It is a serious question. 46:13 I mean, if after everything that we've heard and all we've been through this past two years of Bodger Johnson's rule, which has been like trying to walk through a cesspit in flippers, and after all that, the response from the Committee on Standards in Public Life is that it raises serious questions. Are you kidding me? No. 46:35 Appearing in front of MPs, he questioned whether the Prime Minister was deliberate in withholding information from his Ministerial Standards Czar, Lord Gite. 46:47 The former MI5 chief said the public expects MPs and officials to be living up to the standards that they profess to live up to. What standards are they? 46:58 I mean, to be fair, Bodger Johnson has never professed to upholding any standards whatsoever. 47:03 And he's been totally successful in that. And Lord Evans of Weirdale, chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life, was talking to the Committee on Public Administration and Constitutional Affairs. 47:19 And I think that's the sound of Westminster eating itself. 47:22 The chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life... 47:26 was talking to the Committee on Public Administration and Constitutional Affairs. Oh, fabulous! I mean, did they take a break for food and decide where to go based on the recommendations of the Committee on Deciding Where to Have Lunch? 47:40 How many of these useless committees does it take to actually come to a conclusion other than lessons must be learned? Um... Lord Evans of Weardale, chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life, said... 47:54 I think we've seen a whole series of issues over the last few months. The Owen Paterson affair, the attempt to change the rules over standards investigations in the middle of the investigation into Mr Paterson's actions. The questions around the redecoration of Downing Street, in particular the very bad processes that were clearly in place for keeping Lord Gite properly informed. 48:14 The Greensill Affair and now Partygate. All of those, I think, have demonstrated that there is at least a carelessness amongst people in government over standards issues and possibly no more than that. 48:28 What? 48:30 All that and the £37 billion on an app that still doesn't work and the dodgy PPE contracts and the cash for honours and the wide boy, look what fell off the back of a lorry way of this regime. 48:44 And that's the conclusion of someone who used to be an MI Bloomin' 5, that Bodger and his catastrophic clown show are guilty of carelessness and possibly no more than that. 48:56 Is this real life or am I hallucinating? And that's it. If you subscribe to this podcast, the next episode will get squirted up your life as a though by magic on Tuesdays and Thursdays. There's also the one that I do with Carol McGiffin called What's Your Problem with Nick and Carol, which is a laugh riot. And that comes out on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well. Monday's is for Nick Abbott The Whole Show Plus. It's an extra show that I do at the end of the weekend, comes out on a Monday, and it basically wipes up all of the messages that I couldn't get through on Friday and Saturday on my shows and the news that I couldn't get around to either because, you know, all of those people kept calling me. 49:36 How do they get my number? There's also a newsletter that goes with that subscription, and that comes on a Friday and gets put straight into your inbox, and that basically wipes up the previous week and launches us into the Friday and Saturday shows. 49:51 It's exclusive to Global Player and the LBC app. The thing to ask for is Nick Abbott the whole show plus. I think you'll love it. 50:04 And I'll be back on the radio Friday, Saturday, Sunday night at 10. And until then, I'll be seeing you. Bye-bye. 50:10 This has been a Global Production.